The Many Colours of the Jedi
by BecJedi
Summary: An accident involving ObiWan’s big mouth or thoughts and QuiGon’s angry memories of his master, makes the council set our fav little jedi a most undignified task. Warning: Contains ObiWan thinking QuiGon is ‘Mr. Smith’ from the Matrix.


Title: The many colours of the Jedi.

Author: BecJedi

Category: I had hoped it to be humour, but not even I know anymore!

Rating: PG. Just a few harmless, little words.

Summary: An accident involving Obi-Wan's big mouth (or thoughts) and Qui-Gon's angry memories of his master, makes the council set our fav little jedi a most undignified task. Warning: Contains Obi-Wan thinking Qui-Gon is 'Mr. Smith' from the Matrix.

Disclaimer and note: We all know Mr. Lucas owns all of it, and of course, as tradition, I had to add a few lines from the Weird Al song 'Albuquerque.' You know I love ya, Al! Also, I mention the first Matrix and 'Who wants to be a millionaire' a bit, so sorry to those dude too. Oh, and Arnie, sorry for stealing your line, but let's face it, we've all done it. 'Fuzzy heck' is from Charmisjess.

***

"Don't give me that look, Obi-Wan. I want to do this about as much as you do."

Obi-Wan ignored his master, turning his back towards him. Qui-Gon sighed. He and his apprentice had been assigned the job of security guard for a senator who _believed_ his life was in danger. They had only just been given the 'mission' from the council. To add to that the council did not give them any transport so they were on the Coursant air trains. To add to that, their seats were sandwiched between a child who kept having a belching competition with the child next to him, and some greasy-haired weirdo who kept offering them cheap life insurance ("Jedi, 'ey? Well, what is your padawan going to do when you get slaughtered by some jedi-hating, sith-loving, axe murder with only two toes, and he's left with the funeral costs?!" "Simple," Obi-Wan had replied. "My master ain't getting no funeral. Just chuck him in the ground and wave goodbye." "OBI-WAN!"). To add to _that_, it was Obi-Wan's fifteenth birthday.

"Obi-Wan, don't turn your back to me."

"You lied to me," Obi-Wan sulked, turning to give him an evil stare.

"I know I promised we could go to Didi's to celebrate. You know I'd rather be there now. But it looks like we're going to have to postpone it until a) the threat alleviated, b) the council realise the jedi have better things to do, or c) some bounty hunter gets to the senator before we can."

Obi-Wan crocked his head off to the side. "I'll go with option c), thank you master. Have I won a million dollars yet?" The padawan replied sarcastically.

"No, you've only got up to the one thousand mark, and all your life lines are gone," Qui-Gon sneered back.

Obi-Wan turned right around. "Okay, next question, for two thousand dollars. How many Qui-Gons does it take to do the council's biding? A) seven, because the other six are arguing—" 

"And for the one million dollar question. How many Qui-Gons does it take to shut up one rude little apprentice?" Qui-Gon shot back before Obi-Wan could finish.

Obi-Wan raised himself up, and then slumped back down with a big sigh that could be heard in the seven train carts down.

Qui-Gon shook his head. "Really, Obi-Wan, you're such a drama queen."

"Drama KING, master, drama KING! Get it _right_.I ain't no queen."

"I am not a queen, is the correct Basic, Obi-Wan."

"Whatever."

"Obi-Wan, I'm sure this mission won't last long. Then we can have your party, alright?"

"Whatever."

Qui-Gon slumped down in his seat like his padawan, giving his padawan one last irritated glance.

"So, how much will you be investing?"

Qui-Gon's eyes turned to the Insurance Sales man. There were times like these that being a jedi really sucked. Maybe the sith had it right after all.

***

The train finally came to a stop and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon got off…well, more like they were _squeezed_ off by the hundreds of people running for the exit that was only left open for 3.7 seconds. 

"I though we'd never get off that piece of—"

"Garbage," Qui-Gon interrupted his padawan, sensing the word he was going to say. 

"Now where does this pain in the—"

"Neck."

"—of a senator live, master? It better be a nice—"

"Place of resistance," Qui-Gon said, guiding Obi-Wan into a large building.

Obi-Wan glanced at his mother…no, his master. "I was only going to say a nice apartment."

"Sorry, force of—"

"Be with you?"

"What?"

"You said something about the force."

"Don't interrupt—"

"My person."

"Obi-Wan, shut you—"

"Rather large…"

"—mouth, will you?"

"Yes, master."

"Good, now—"

"Get me a coffee, two donuts and a pizza."

"Obi-Wan, it was funny about two minutes ago. No—"

"More." Obi-Wan smiled at his master as they reached the senator's apartment on the twentieth floor.

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes at his padawan the way he did when he was not impressed…so, really, the man couldn't see where he was going half the time. He pointed at his apprentice threateningly. "Now you behave. Be polite, alright?"

Obi-Wan nodded, his face serious. "Of course, master."

Qui-Gon knocked at the door and soon a servant came to greet them. The stuffy, thin man lead them through to the senator's living room, which was about the span of about twenty versions of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's quarters. Obi-Wan took one look at the senator and burst out laughing. He started crying, and wheezing in that 'no noise' laugh, falling to the ground. After that he started having a high-pitched screen that made the dogs in the senator's apartment howl, pounding the wall as he did. Qui-Gon had to tell the senator his padawan was having an epileptic fit.

"So…what do we do?"

"Just leave him there. He'll stop if I kick him in the head enough."

"Oh…right."

Moments later, when Obi-Wan was sharing the backseat of a speeder with the hideously obese, sweaty, smelly human senator, there wasn't a laugh to be heard. The senator had decided he was going to visit his mother who lived in an apartment block some ten minutes away.

"Shame we couldn't walk," Qui-Gon said as he piloted the senator's private speeder. "It's such a lovely day."

_Yeah, but McFatty got breathless after reaching for his coat. Can you imagine what would happen if we made him WALK!_ Obi-Wan's voice sounded in his head.

__

Obi-Wan, you should feel sorry for the man, not insult him!

Hey, when you're in the back with this guy's fifth chin on YOUR hair, you'd think differently.

This is not the thinking of a jedi.

Hey, the guy can't hear us!

Still, I don't want you being so superficial. I'm sure he's a wonderful, nice person. We must respect all people. To do otherwise is not of the jedi.

It is also 'not of the jedi' to babysit senators, master. Man, the one time I want you to argue with the council, and you don't! Why can't you do things on command, like a good master?

Shut up, Obi-Wan.

Yes, council puppy dog.

Qui-Gon tightened his hand on the steering wheel. He wouldn't let Obi-  
Wan's childish name calling upset him.

__

Come on, doggie! That's a good dog. Now, fetch the council its bonus grant from that senator! Yes, that's a good doggie.

Qui-Gon grit his teeth. He was going to ignore the boy. Sooner or later he'd get bored. He always did. The 'I've got a lightsabre' phase lasted for three minutes. He was sure this one would too.

__

Come on, doggie! Good doggie, that's a good doggie-woggie, yes you are, yes you are! Look, you fetched a two million credit grant that we're going to use to put gold on our lightsabres! That's a good doggie! I'll give you a doggie treat!

Qui-Gon felt his blood boil, his skin glowing red. He thought back to his training, back to when Dooku taught him about anger. Such a wise master. He had learnt so much from the great Dooku. Whenever he needed guidance, he just thought of his master, and found it. He searched for a memory…

__

"Ah, master, Yoda sent me home early so you could discuss my issues with anger," a twelve year old Qui-Gon said to his master, who was sitting at the computer screen in their quarters.

"What little punk did you punch this time?" 

"Mace Windu. He called you a sith lord with odd political views, so I punched him. He then said he'd kick my arse when he was on the council, so I punched him again."

"Good, that kid is a little pain in the arse, anyway."

"But…aren't you gonna tell me the whole anger leads to…"

"…pissing of the council, yadda, yadda, yadda. Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Fear leads to master Yoda shaking his ears at you."

Qui-Gon opened his big blue eyes wide, in his typical look of confusion and innocence. Two years time and that look would die forever. "But…master—"

Dooku suddenly lashed out at the computer, whacking it several times. "STUPID BROADBAND! FASTER INTERNET, MY ARSE! I PAY SIXTY BUCKS A MONTH FOR THIS CRAP, DAMNIT! WORK, YOU STUPID THING, WORK!"

Qui-Gon stayed perfectly still. If Dooku **wasn't **yelling at the computer, there was defiantly something to worry about. "So, master, what do I do about the whole anger thing? I'm supposed to tell master Yoda what I learn tomorrow."

"Tell him THIS BLOODY INTERNET DOESN'T WORK! DAMN, FRIGGIN' COUNCIL! TRY GIVING ME A LIMIT OF 300MB DOWNLOADS, AND LOOK WHAT IT DOES!"

"Just slow down. I'm writing this down so I don't forget, master. Is friggin' spelt with one g or two?"

DOGGIE-WOGGIE!

Obi-Wan's constant teasing tore him from his reminiscing. Oddly enough, his memory had not helped him manage his anger. In fact, he felt angrier…a lot angrier. Was his hair turning red in anger now? He was sure of it. He thought back to master Yoda's advice…and just saw the little green man himself, wiggling those big ears…

__

Come on, council puppy dog, come on! Go fetch your credibility and your dignity…oh, no, doggie, don't slobber all over them.

SNAP! Qui-Gon spun around and leapt towards his padawan, grabbing his tunic and bringing him close. Obi-Wan let out a high-pitched scream and started struggling, waving his arms and legs like a constipated weaner dog.

"I'LL GIVE YOU DOGGIE-WOGGIE!" Qui-Gon screamed like some kind of 50 year jail sentence weirdo.

Obi-Wan glanced away from his master, his eyes falling on something in the distance. His face was drained of blood. He had a bad feeling about this. 

"Ah, master—"

"DON'T 'MASTER' ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK! YOU WANT ME TO GO FETCH YOUR HURLING BODY AS I FLING IT OUT OF THE SPEEDER, OR SHALL I JUST LEAVE YOU TO FALL TO YOUR MOST TIMELY DEATH!"

"MASTER!"

"AND IF YOU DISRESPECT ME ONE MORE FRIGGIN' TIME, I'M GOING TO BAN YOU FROM YOUR BROADBAND INTERNET FOR A MONTH!"

Obi-Wan frowned, his other worry forgotten. "Where the fuzzy heck did that come from? We don't have Broadband, master, you're too cheap."

"FOR THE SAKE OF THE REPUBLIC, LOOK AHEAD, YOU INSANE JEDI!" The senator shrieked.

Qui-Gon glanced forward, his jaw dropped and a very bad word came out. Two moments later, they were in the council room…literally. Their speeder had rammed right into it. 

The two jedi and the senator sat there in silence, unharmed, but in shock, as they looked into the eyes of the startled council members, disbelief that a speeder had just ripped apart half of their meeting area.

***

Obi-Wan sighed deeply, hanging his head in shame. He felt the many eyes bore down on the person next to him, but their effect was lost on that person so it all went to him. He didn't need to see it, hearing it was bad enough.

"Master Jinn, are you going to argue the existence of the force next?" Mace Windu's strained voice asked.

Qui-Gon placed his hands on his waist in the way he did before he really laid into the council. They stood in another meeting area, as the one that had just destroyed was still smoking.

"Well…"

"Master Jinn!" Mace snapped. "Do you deny that you just ran a speeder holding a very important senator into the jedi temple?"

"See, technically, it wasn't my fault."

"How so?" Yoda asked with a sigh.

"Obi-Wan was annoying me so I had to turn around to slap him one."

The council blinked simultaneously.

"Woh, good strategy, master," Obi-Wan muttered. "Honesty! Wa-hey!"

"These idiots can read minds, Obi-Wan, there's no point lying! I'm not the only one in here who can tell when your fantasizing about Master Adi in a mini skirt the width of a belt…is it a red one today, or a black one you're dreaming of?"

Obi-Wan's face flared bright red. "MASTER! I so do not."

"Yeah, and the jedi really are celibate."

The entire council made a kind of humming sound of disapproval. Mace interrupted the argument.

"As punishment for this…unbelievable act, you will be painting the new training room," Mace said seriously.

"What?!" Qui-Gon exclaimed. "You don't mean the new one with the huge dome structure!"

"Yes."

"That'll take years!"

"Then start counting, Master Jinn. The paints have been left in the training room. You wouldn't find anyone in there. We had a lot of colours sent to us, but have chosen the brown. We expect it to be finished within a week. We will monitor your progress. May the force be with you."

"May the force lodge itself sideways up your—"

"Come on, master, let's go before you make things worse, which, knowing you, will happen sooner or later anyway. Let's make it later," Obi-Wan said, pulling his master out of the room. He could tell. This was going to be a long week.

***

"Pass the brown."

"Which brown?"

"The one I've been using to paint the walls for the last two hours!"

"I can't tell!"

"It's called 'Tunic brown', Obi-Wan!"

"I thought we were using 'Robe Brown'."

"Why did you have do open all the paints anyway?!"

"Hey, master, check out this one. 'Seizure causing purple'. Mace must be keeping this one for his room to try and lure in the ladies...like you and that 'Romantic red' you painted our quarters…though funnily enough you still left my room with that hideous 70s wallpaper..."

"You're so funny, Obi-Wan."

"I know you are, but what I am?"

"What does that mean?!"

This argument had happened had least seven times during the last few hours. Only a few metres had been painted. 

"It means you suck!"

"You will not talk to me in that way! I am your master!"

"Yeah, the kind of master who runs a speeder into the council chambers. You know, I thought the time you answered 'why' to everything master Yoda said was bad, but this just takes the cake."

"Why?"

"Hey, who's the master here?!"

"Just shut up, and get back to the wall! You've been resting for the last two hours."

"I have not…hey! We're only been working for two hours!"

"Well done, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan gave his master a thoroughly angry look. The master just raised his eyebrows and returned to his painting.

"Oh, look, master, your favourite colour. 'Eye Burning Pink'," Obi-Wan said, walking over to the pink pot of paint.

"You know I hate pink, Obi-Wan. Now stop stalling, and start working."

Obi-Wan dipped his brush in the pink, a devilish smile sprouting across his face. "Oh, massssssstttttterrrrrr!"

Qui-Gon spun around. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

FLICK! Obi-Wan flung the paint from his brush at the master. It hit him square in the face.

Wiping the paint from his eyes, Qui-Gon narrowed them at his padawan. Obi-Wan grinned cheekily.

"Hasta la vista, paddy." 

The war began with Qui-Gon's menacing words. The two jedi cast aside their brushes and used the force to fling swirling balls of paint at each other. 'Sad Orange', 'Suicidal Yellow', 'Sith-style black', 'Out of the Blue', 'Dying Grass Green'. Every colour was flung about madly. Obi-Wan squealed with every colour that hit him. 

Qui-Gon laughed and grabbed his padawan.

"Master, what are you doing…NOOOOOOOOO!"

Qui-Gon dipped Obi-Wan's padawan braid into the pot of bright 'Maul Red' paint. He let Obi-Wan go, howling with laughter.

"I like your braid, Obi-Wan!" He mocked.

The padawan picked up a bucket of 'Murder Yellow' (not to be confused with the popular 'suicidal yellow') and dumped it on his master's head. Qui-Gon screamed in horror. "My hair!"

"Yeah, you look good as a blonde, master!"

"You are dead, Kenobi!"

"Bring it on, Jinny! I'm gonna kick your arse, Matrix style, Mr. Smith!"

"Who the hell is Mr. Smith?!"

Obi-Wan leaped into the air and froze there, suspending himself in some kind of bad karate pose. "Hi-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Qui-Gon was too shocked to do anything. His padawan flipped back to the ground and snatched the 'Make you go crazy Red' and the 'Make you go sane Blue.' 

"So which is it, master? The red pill or the blue pill? Are you 'The One'?"

"I knew I shouldn't have let you stay up to watch that movie."

Obi-Wan chucked them both. Qui-Gon bent his body back and let the paints fling past him in slow motion, his cloak flying around him. They hit the wall.

"I knew I shouldn't have showed you that bit when Nero ducked those bullets," Obi-Wan muttered. 

The two launched their bodies towards the pots of paint. They threw them mercilessly, saturating each other in liquid colour. 

Qui-Gon used the force to knock his padawan to the ground. Obi-Wan hit it hard…his guard was down. He tried to get up but Qui-Gon's boot was already on his chest.

"Oh, my, my, what do we have here? It seems my little nemesis has finally been caught. You know, you've been very bad, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, looking down on his padawan and letting the 'Blackish White', 'Country-folk purple' and 'Whitish black' paint in his long hair drip onto Obi-Wan's face.

"I know, master. I'm sorry," Obi-Wan could say as honestly as he could.

"Are you really, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked, his voice soft...almost TOO soft

"Yes, master. Very, very sorry. I love you, master. Please don't hurt me."

"Oh, I'm not going to hurt you, Obi-Wan."

A spark of hope was lit in the young padawan's eyes. "Really, master?"

"Oh no," Qui-Gon said.

Obi-Wan felt shadows dance across his skin. He looked up, past Qui-Gon. At least twenty buckets of paint hovered above him. Qui-Gon was smiling evilly.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said. "I'm going to kill you."

"MASTER JINN!"

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon glanced to their left. Master Yoda and Mace stood in the passageway of the training room, their jaws to the floor.

"Phew!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "Saved by the council."

Qui-Gon, in such shock, let the paint tins go. The paint and aluminum cans splattered all over his padawan, drowning him. Every colour. Not a centimeter of skin showed. He looked like some kind of slime monster in drag. Qui-Gon smiled, unable to contain his delight at his padawan spluttered pain everywhere. Obi-Wan started crying and screaming.

"My master's trying to kill me!"

"Shut up, Obi-Wan! You started it!"

Obi-Wan pushed Qui-Gon's foot off him and spat paint all over his boots. The master shouted out in disgust.

"You think that's bad, do you, master?!" Obi-Wan cried, spitting more paint at him.

At that instant, Obi-Wan brought one of the only cans left into his hands. "Oh, high gloss…hmmm…"

"Obi-Wan, NO!"

But Obi-Wan had already done it, pouring gloss all down Qui-Gon's tunic. The master screamed as the shiny liquid coated his body. He did the only thing he could do. Grabbed Obi-Wan's braid.

"OW, OW, YOU'RE HURTING ME!" Obi-Wan screamed.

"OW, OW, CARE FACTOR, NILL!"

"SILENCE, YOU WILL HAVE!" Yoda lashed out. 

The two jedi froze.

"WHAT IS THIS?! BROWN, WE SAID, NOT MULTICOLOURED!"

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon looked around and noticed the walls had been completely covered…in every colour of the rainbow…and even those spastic colours that got kicked out of the rainbow because they said red wasn't sexy.

"Well…see, masters…this was all intentional, see…we did this to symbolize what the temple is about," Obi-Wan tried to explain, lying through his red teeth.

"And what, pray tell, is that?" Mace demanded.

"Ah…master?"

"Well, you see, Mace, it's all very obvious," Qui-Gon replied.

"Spell it out, Jinn."

"Well…all the colours…they represent all the different people that are jedi…and the diversity of the force."

"Yeah!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "It shows the deepness of the jedi, the colours of the jedi. Brown didn't represent the entire jedi community. We had to be fair to everyone."

"That's right," Qui-Gon said, nodding.

Mace and Yoda glanced at each other, then went back to staring at the two paint-drenched jedi.

"Go clean up," Mace said shortly. "And next time, clear your idea with us."

"Will do!" Qui-Gon replied cheerfully, yanking his padawan up by the braid. After getting a few worried glances, he hugged Obi-Wan. The two jedi smiled innocently. Yoda and Mace left, shaking their heads.

"Remind me again _why_ we let Qui-Gon have another apprentice?" Mace asked Yoda.

"Well, train the little punk, would you?" Yoda asked.

"Good point."

***

Obi-Wan had won the 'who has the first shower' competition ("Heads or tails?" "Tails…no heads, no tails…damn!" "It's my turn first!" "No, two out of three!" "Master, its seven hundred and one out of one thousand-four hundred and one now!" "Fine, have your stupid shower!" "I will!" "Fine then!" "Good!" "I'm happy for you!" Two hours later Obi-Wan got into the shower.) and was sitting in front of the heater, letting the hot air dry him.

"OBI-WAN, YOU USED ALL THE CONDITIONER!"

"Opps," Obi-Wan muttered under his breathe.

"WHAT DO YOU NEED CONDITIONER FOR ANYWAY?! YOU'RE ABOUT FOUR HAIRS OFF BEING BALD!"

"It's for the braid, master!" Obi-Wan called back.

The shower stopped. After a few hours in there, the last hour being cold water, Qui-Gon stepped out. He had finally got all the paint out of his hair (and this includes body hair here. Obi-Wan's cruel act of tipping a bucket of gloss down Qui-Gon's tunic had cost that master dearly), even though it wouldn't have it's usually bounce or shine because of the lack of conditioner. He dressed quickly and went to sit with his padawan in front of the heater.

"It's been a long day," he said, letting a deep breath out.

Obi-Wan smiled. "It sure has. Even though we couldn't have a party, I think I had a good birthday."

Qui-Gon smiled. "That's good, Obi-Wan. I'm sorry for trying to kill you before."

"That's okay. I'm sorry for calling you a council puppy dog, as well as doggie-woggie. And then there was the flicking of the paint, calling you Mr. Smith, because we all know that guy is a pain in the be-hind, and you're not really a pain in that you don't really want to destroy me or enslave the human race…and about the gloss…hey, man, you did deserve it, let's face it. At least I didn't call you Quiggy—"

"Obi-Wan, you're ruining the moment."

"Sorry, master."

They sat for a moment, silence finally finding their hectic day. 

"Well, I'm going to bed," Qui-Gon said after a while. He got up and headed for his room.

"Goodnight, master."

"Goodnight, Obi-Wan."

"Oh, master?"

Qui-Gon turned back around and smiled at his padawan. "Yes?"

Obi-Wan brought something out that had been hiding beside the couch. Qui-Gon's blue eyes bulged. It was too late. Before he could even cry out, Obi-Wan threw a bucket of 'Eye Burning Pink' paint all over him.

Qui-Gon's screams could be heard all over the temple. Obi-Wan's followed. 


End file.
